i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
