I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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