booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
