I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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