May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
