I wish I could teleport
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
