I'll bet she douches with gravy.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
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