Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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