My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Randomize
