I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
