When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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