As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Randomize
