I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
