You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
This is the high leading the old right now
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
