I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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