We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
