My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
