I'm so fucking centered right now
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
