Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
