I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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