why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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