I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
