sorry about calling you the devil all night.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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