I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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