I will die if light touches me.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
