I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
