I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
