I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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