I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
