My Higher Power is John Stamos
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
