Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
