how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
