if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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