My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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