New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
We talked him into tasing himself.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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