My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
