Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
