At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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