I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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