On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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