I haven't been this sober since birth.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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