____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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