The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
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