I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize
