I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I have aggressive nipples.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
