What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
