He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
