are you so shy because you have an std?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Come share oat with me in your robe
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
