And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize