do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
