dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
