it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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