when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
