So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
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