sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
