The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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