Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
