So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
