Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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