I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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