If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
