i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize