I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
