just tell him i said nine months
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
