Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
