I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
