I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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