Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
