can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Randomize
