I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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