She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Alive.
So much puke
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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