I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
