Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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