I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
she looked like the before picture.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
