I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
